When family comes knocking to get some help, and you are not sure what to do remember this old saying: “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach a man how to fish and he eats for a life time.” So while there is not right or wrong when giving charity to family you may want to consider the following, before giving money to parents or other family members, you MUST think of at least 3 key variable’s.
A. Are you often giving money on an issue that is enabling your family members issues, such as drinking or gambling?
B. Is the sum of money so large that it could cause moderate or server financial discomfort to you?
C. Will not giving the money cost you more later (will they need to ask to move in or for even more money later on, severely damage the relationship etc.)
If you can say no, no and no, it might be okay to give the money. Just remember when it comes to the question to give or not to give it is not so simple as context is always king. The issue gets further muddled if you start looking at the issue via a right wrong or religious view point.
Depending on context and amount and how trust worthy your family member is you may want to make a. written agreement. Spend the money on getting a lawyer to look over any contract before you give the money. While it might hurt your parents or family members feelings, try to help them understand that business is one thing, family is another and if the amount is a lot, it is not about family, it is about doing business.
Look, this is not easy. Just bing asked for money from a loved one can cause enormous stress as you think it over, talk to your spouse, figure out if you can or should help, and it comes with lots of feelings. Feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger, disbelief etc. There is no right way to feel.
If the request for money from parent or other family members is constant remember, you are disempowering your loved ones. They need to learn how to manage on their own life journey and you are bailing them out over and over only leads to keeping them in a dependent state. Dont be afraid to set boundaries. Boundaries is just a fancy words for rules. Never forget it is your life, your money, and you have the right to say yes or no. When it comes to family if they really ove you and respect you and you say NO, sure they might be hurt and have feelings about it for while but if it is worth having them in your life, they will understand, forgive and you will still be loved and family in their eyes, and the evidence of that is you will still be invited to Christmas. If you are not then you were likely better off not giving the money and not having them in your life.
If you or someone you love could benfit from this post or from therapy please have them contact us, or direct them to our therapist page or home page, where they can learn about what services we offer and insurances we accept.
David Linares, MHC and CEO of: Scshawaii.net and lifewiselearningcenter.com