How to be a top-tier person – The Apex person.
It has been said in may ways this idea that there are people who are like sheep and then there are people like wolves. In todays world we use the words ALPHA and BETA to describe this same concept. Yet both have serious drawbacks. Betas are often weak willed, submissive people pleasers. Alphas tend to be stupidly stubborn, often rude demanding people. Not to many people even know there is a 3rd choice. In my view the best choice. The Apex Person. For the men its the Apex Man. For the Ladies it’s the Apex Woman.
Many people come to therapy with a goal in mind and these goals are like building blocks that if the individual keeps building on they eventually acend to an “Apex state of mind.”
Lets talk about what the Apex Person is. The Apex Person is a blend of the best qualities of the Beta’s and the Alpha Traits.
So lets look at the qualities we want to hone within ourselves to be able to reach for this Apex state.
1. Accept reality
There is a lot to this. In essence a Apex person accepts their thoughts and feelings. They don’t act on them in the moment but they recognize them and think about their thinking, and deal with them accordingly. They recognize that the world is a judgement filled place and it is not fair. Knowing this the Apex person strives to reach their goals unencumbered by the opinions of others. You can see this in a person who dresses how they want, and even if dressed poorly or are out of shape, they still manage to act confident with little to no effort.
2. Your Purpose comes first
The Apex person has a life goal or multiple life goals/purpose that belong to them and only them. Goals like writing a book, staring in a film, gaining the next promotion, starting their own company, learning how to do some task or developing a talent, to be the best they can be, etc. These goals feed the Apex person in that they give the person a sense of passion and energy to pursue the dreams they have for themselves.
The Apex person sees relationships as additive in that they add to their life and mission and identity but these relationship do not define them.
People who confuse this will say things like “This is my better half” and mean it, or feel that their marriage or even children are “the center of their whole world.” As such non-Apex people often feel forced to follow and do the things that others want them to do with nothing being asked in return. This in turn is appreciated and yet their partner, family or friends, lose respect from the very person or persons they try to make happy.
3. Become a Stone Mountain
You have to take on challenges, this is very important to understand. We must learn to accept and embrace conflict as an opportunity to grow within our person and within any relationship. Yet the Apex person strives to not overreact, creating a “safe space” for the person they have conflict with. Thoughts and feelings are expressed with mostly a calm demeanor with some voice inflection on hot or passionate speaking points. Yet the mountain is largely unmoved, never attacking the other, or lashing out with disrespectful words or actions. Beyond this principle is an additional need to understand that winning and losing does not matter. Both in conflict and in life. Just keep trying because in any aspect effort counts and that leads to number 4…
4. Take risks
A Apex person does not allow any form of fear, or anxiety to make their choices. They accept that life is about taking risks. Some pay off, some do not. In the same way that weights improve your muscles, challenges and taking risks improve your mental, emotional and even your spiritual capacity. Your spiritual capacity is where most of your confidence comes from. So after you give it a good think, say what you want to say, do what you want to do. Have the hard conversations, make the moves you want to make because no matter what they say we do not know if you really get more than just this one life. Make sure you take risks in your life, fortune favors the bold, not the weak and the fearful.
5. Always be improving
Comfort leads to complacency and complacency leads to death. Life is about evolving, and staying dynamic. It is a constant act of motion and change. If we personally allow it or allow our relationship to get stale, things go bad and we can “die”. Not always literally from like a heart attack. We can die mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. More than just risk taking we Apex people keep moving very often, constantly pushing towards improvement. Sometimes this just means by adding on new elements, ideas, life style changes, to who you are as a human being and to the relationships you have.
In relationship in-particular when your partner/spouse sees your efforts and your progress, they will love you more for this, and likely want to have more sex with you. After all everybody is attracted to someone who keeps getting better and better.
6. Aim for autonomy and freedom
Both Aphas and Betas get possessive and demanding in all kinds of way. Demanding respect and compliance rather than earning respect and putting in the work to solve an issue to the other persons satisfaction with little to nothing in return. Apex people recognize that every one is their own person and on their own journey. Even in marriage they see their spouse as an individual that they do not want to control or possess in any way. The Apex person is just happy to walk this journey with their spouse, offers support when needed or when asked for it. A Apex mindset also does not take it personal when their advice/suggestion however good is rejected my the other person. The Apex knows that sometimes they can be wrong and are open to that but even when they know they are 100% right they will allow the other person to make their own choices, knowing that failure is a good teacher. Once the other person fails the Apex person never hints or whispers how they were right. So long as the other persons choices are not too risky the Apex knows they will be loved and appreciated all the more for not trying to block the other person and for helping to “Pick up the pieces.” after. Rather than be right or have their way or compromise (accepting a loss) those in the Apex state, strive to create win-win outcomes, where everyone feels happy and respected.
7. Raise your standards and be accountable
You have to raise your standards for yourself and what you want from life as well as from a relationship. The Apex knows their worth as a person in any context. If someone can’t see that then that’s on the person not on the Apex. Not to be confused with Narcism, the Apex person know there are a lot of other people and opportunities out there in the world and finds the balance remaining humble yet confident. This allows the Apex to take full accountability and responsibility for themselves and inspires others to do so as well. Those in the Apex state recognize that life does have its causes and effects yet they do not blame others, refusing to put themselves in the victim role. As the saying goes “if you are not part of the problem you can’t be part of the solution.” As such the Apex takes responsibility for what is theirs, and take the critical task to lead by example.
8. Your life is YOUR responsibility
The Apex mind state is hard to reach and maintain but those who are there and better still able to stay there recognize their responsibility to maintain their own mental and emotional health. They do so intentionally, with constant discipline. Just like those who get up to go to the gym. It’s not about perfection but it is about progress. As one grows more and more in the Apex state they become more worldly and knowledgeable in various ways. Having grown comfortable with confronting themselves and others they remain by and large happy and optimistic well rounded people.
Want to know more? There is more, much more but my hands are tired of typing. So if you want to know more and how to achieve this state, contact me.
If you or someone you love could benfit from this post or from therapy please have them contact us, or direct them to our therapist page or home page, where they can learn about what services we offer and insurances we accept.
David Linares, MHC and CEO of: Scshawaii.net and lifewiselearningcenter.com