Flirting is cheating. Now days emotions cheating is a thing and its typically defined as investing your feelings into another person. It is not harmless.
The term emotional affair describes a type of relationship between people. The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
While flirting can seem less intense in that it may not be between two people (you can flirt even when the other person does not return the flirting behavior) and there may not be a bond, you are still putting your self out there in an effort to get something back. Maybe you just want to know that you “still got it” but whatever the reason if your in a committed relationship and really happy is getting a cheap thrill by flirting with someone really worth it? It is important to follow our values such as honesty, trust, respect and last I checked flirting was not high and the positive values list. So rather than flirt with some stranger flirt with the person you are with. There is an old saying that “the the grass is always greener on the other side.” This kind of thinking however really is harmful in relationship. The grass is not always green on the other side but will be greener, where you water it. So flirt with the person you are with and nurture that relationship.
Flirting with danger is another saying and flirting with someone outside of your relationship is just that. Dangerous. It is unwise to needly invite danger into your life or relationship. You can justify it by thinking its harmless but you wont be able to predict what happens after. Perhaps the person starts to stalk you. Perhaps they tell others and your reputation is damage. Perhaps your flirting reaches the ears of a friend who tells your partner and now trust is broken. Bottom line its not worth it and if your not investing in your relationship and looking for something outside of it, its cheating. Not the worst kind of cheating but its still cheating.
If you catch or suspect your partner is cheating you have options. The first option would typically be to talk to them about the flirting and help them understand what it is they are doing (looking for something outside of the relationship). In turn you need to be on the look out for what they say to you. If your partner says “I just like the attention its harmless” you need to help them understand that its not harmless to you, and to the “we” in the relationships. Most of all you will likely have to encourage them to take a hard look at themselves and ask themselves what is it they are needing or missing from their life now or in the past that leads them to want “the attention.”
In turn you will want to establish boundaries NOT by telling them can not flirt or else, as this will lead to want to flirt. Human nature is to rebel against ultimatums.
What you want to do is make clear how it made you feel. Talk about your raw feelings. “This makes me sad or anxious” and dont forget to mention your hope. Your hope is now that you had this conversation they will respect NOT you per se’ but themselves and the relationship each of you are trying to build.
It is easy to let it go the first time but if you follow the right step work and your partner continues to flirt you may want to look at the dynamics of your relationship. Continuous flirting after having a good, clear and heart to heart conversation usually means that your partner does not really respect you or themselves in the way that is needed to have the kind of relationship most people want. Should you find yourself at that point you would be well advised to seek our professional help. Why? One big reason why is that often times because our partner knows us so well, all the silly, stupid, things we say and do we just cant always reach them the way a professional can.
If you or someone you love could benfit from this post or from therapy please have them contact us, or direct them to our therapist page or home page, where they can learn about what services we offer and insurances we accept.
David Linares, MHC and CEO of: Scshawaii.net and lifewiselearningcenter.com